Playing Catch-up

As I looked back over these blog posts from almost a decade ago, I honestly cannot believe some of the things I said, the things I claimed, and how I wanted my life to be. There was even a check list of "goals" I had wanted to meet. Half of those goals? I still haven't accomplished in the last 5 years. Reasoning behind it? Unexpected obstacles to overcome where I had to make choices that I really hadn't expected to make. I thought I knew how my life was gonna go...had a "path" being paved and honestly, I'm struggling. However, I'm happier than I've been in a long time. I've accomplished things I never thought possible for myself, including running my own small business and selling my artwork across the country while traveling. Am I upset that I'm not further along in life and that I'm not as independent as I wish I was? Yes..but that doesn't mean life didn't show me a new path...a new journey...and a partner to have at my side along the way. 

If anyone reads this, please comment "memory" under this post. 

This will be a daily thing for me to post something on my blog. I want to hold myself accountable and to get everything on my mind out in words for the world to read. Writing a book eventually would be a true dream and a HUGE goal...but, I'm fine with writing my heart out here even just for myself. 

Musical Influences and the Role They Have Played in my Life

For someone who was outcasted for most of her school life, I looked to other things to keep me company. Of course we know what happened with my friendship with food but I also had music that kept me hoping that there would be something better for my family and I. Being an artist, I have influences and no matter how cliche my preferences or why they were  chosen, they were my choice. 

The first true music I fell in love with was the pop group the Jonas Brothers. Once my mom passed away, they were the first subject matter that I began to draw. I had to have drawn the a 100 plus time and even had sketches that were auctioned off for my high school that make a good bit of money. I may have been a fan but I was more than that. Their music had meant more to me than any friendship could at the time.  I only have maybe 4 sketches out of all I had done due to the fire that took my family's house. Here they are:

..and yes the fire damage is clearly seen.

Once I woke and realized I needed to take control of my life, there was another artist who came into my life. He gave me hope for finding real love and acceptance. His name was David Archuleta.  Now, he was but a guy who had a way with words and the voice to get them across to the world. What made me realize that he was different was when he rode in a parade down here in New Orleans. Me being the portrait artist that I loved being, I drew a sketch of him and had the crazy idea that I would give it to him on the float. When we got to the parade, we sadly had missed him but my dad promised he'd take me to the end and give me another chance. Well, it was raining that night and they cut the route short. As soon as my dad parked, his float was passing. I had never ran so hard or fast in my life. I went around barricades and cops, wasn't stopped and he heard me yelling his name. Now, I was probably way over 300 pounds still and not the prettiest girl in the world. He bent over the back of the float and took it from me, smiled and even ignored some pretty, skinny girls yelling on the other side of the float. I literally stopped in my tracks in the middle of the street as he stared back at me as to thank me. I knew that night that I was meant to keep sketching and to make art. Here is the sketch:

Once I had met David, I was more and more into his music until I discovered, my now muse, Adam Lambert.  I had no idea who he was until I turned on VHI(when they still played music videos all day) and heard a voice I couldn't compare to anyone. I knew I had to look into this person. Once I started listening to his music, I realized that I had to meet him. Now, he has struggled with a lot of things and has overcome them all. Being gay and being accepted is still but a dream. People will always push him aside for it but I saw the person and heard the voice of a man with extraordinary talent. No other artist will sound like he does. He is a true original. Now back to what I was saying. I connected with him more and more as I learned a lot about him. He struggled with his weight all his life and finally took control. So when I first started exercising, his songs: "If I Had You" and "For Your Entertainment" were the only two songs I listened to. He was my only  friend yet we had never met. By the time my sister and I were able to go to one of his shows, I had lost almost 60 pounds. I was no longer in the 300s but high 200s. We were able to meet his lead guitarist, Tommy Joe Ratliff, who I also saw beauty in. 

When the night of the concert came, it just happened to be my sister's sweet 16. I did not expect all that happened to happen but I knew it was supposed to now.  I had also started writing songs for several artists. I did not know how to write music with musical notes but I was able to listen to an artist and by hearing the tones in their voices, I could write lyrics to a melody that I thought sounded perfect. I had drawn Adam probably 30 or  more times just up to that point and I had made one special sketch for him and one special sketch for Tommy. I knew that one of them had to get them. I also put my information and 5 songs with them for Adam. Now, before anyone else tries to shoot me down or take credit for my work, I have photographic proof. 

 

Here is the 7 photo sketch I did for Adam Lambert and each one has his eyes crystal blue.  I had my ways of choosing which seven to use but I had to make sure I did his eyes that gorgeous blue. He is such a beautiful person and his eyes cut right through you.

Thanks to Tommy being amazing, look what he did to help me out without realizing it! You can clearly see my large sketch that I did for Adam. I'm just hoping Adam does have it and the songs.

This is an edited picture of my sister, Kaitlyn, meeting Tommy. In his left hand you can see the envelope still. Now, my sister was able to partially talk to Adam through a 3 inch gap in the gate. All I remember him saying to her was that he couldn't come out there. He was so sweet but he did come out afterwards but we weren't able to get close enough. 

 

This is the sketch that I gave Tommy  that I sketched of him. It may not be my best but he loved it. My sis and I were also able to meet Monte and the dancers plus get their autographs. It was a great experience and it got even better when we actually went inside. 

Now me being my loud, crazy, self, did something I didn't realize that someone besides my sister had captured. When Adam was on his Glam Nation tour, and it came to the time when he'd sing Whataya Want From Me in acoustic, he'd speak a little to the crowd before he'd begin singing. I may have been rude, but, when he almost started crying when he mentioned being hurt while being in love, I screamed, "You're Beautiful!" I did not know that he had done two things that night until other videos from other fans were posted. My sis had recorded the night and posted separate videos for each song on youtube. Well, so did everyone else. We watched them all and when it came to that part, my heart sunk. He had heard me. He had looked up with those big beautiful eyes, said thank you then smiled an opened mouth smile so big. I then compared times in my sister's video with when it showed up in the others and it was me. I was the only one making noise besides him. He didn't even realize who I was but he smiled. He had my art, my music and no idea that he'd be my most influential inspiration. As he produced more and more music, I listened more and more....drawing more and more. I probably had done close to 50 or more pieces just of him in all kinds of sizes, mediums and subject matter.

One day, someone had contacted me from Donors Choose, a charity that Adam worked with a lot. It helps teachers out with classroom needs. I was asked to see if I could do a few small sketches of him for an auction. Now who has them? I do not know but here are photos of the sketches I could find:

 One day, I'd love  to find the owners of these sketches. I want to know if they love them and how much was donated from my work. It's just one of those things that you may never know. Oh well. 

With the house fire, I lost all of my art but maybe 10 or so full pieces. Here are the Adam and or Tommy sketches that made it:

So if the fire didn't burn the edges, the water made them smear or mold.....so the two on the left had to be thrown away. Yeah it's materialistic things but I put a lot of time, effort and heart into each piece.....I know I'm alive and I will continue to write and do my art pieces.  All of my poetry and songs didn't burn, but, the water damage did them in. 

So I'm literally starting all over mentally, physically, emotionally and it will take time for me to understand why all of this has happened but it was meant to happen.

Adam Lambert has new music and new songs coming out soon and I have been sketching him like crazy. He truly is my muse and he, as an artist overall, is a lot like me. That's probably why I feel like I have to meet him soon. Here are my latest pieces of art that I've done lately of him:

 Now, this piece below has  so much heart, time, effort and detail put into it that I have no other want than to give it to Adam Lambert himself. With all I've lost, I've realized, my art isn't for me. It's for the world. Since he is the subject matter, he truly should be the one to own it. I just hope I will meet him and be able to present this to him really soon. Until then, I will keep sketching him. I will never stop. I just know I am meant to be an artist. Not only a sketch artist, but an artist in every sense of the word. God has a plan for me and kept me on this earth for  reason. I'm ready to be his tool and I hope he uses me to help the world as much as possible.

..And as far as anyone is concerned with my love for the Jonas Brothers, their music isn't what it used to be but I will continue to sketch them as well:

God bless you all for reading this and supporting me. I hope my dreams finally come true. I need some good in my life. I want to be able to use my God given talents and gifts to better the world. 

-Kristen 

 

The Words of One

From a personal perspective, words can either help or hurt you. Also, the way we take what someone says can also affect how we feel. A compliment that is two sided can either make you smile or cry on the inside. All it takes, though, is one person to be brutally honest with you for you to know what is real and what is just lies or jealousy. After having a week of being either sick, aching, or depressed, someone made it all turn completely around. I just wish I was able to have done it on my own.  

Support can come in several different forms. It can be a best friend, a gym partner, a counselor, a doctor, etc. When the time comes and you really talk to someone, it can truly change your outlook of your whole current situation. Well, with me having a rough week, I needed something to come along and just shake me out of it. This came in the form of the personal trainer at the Planet Fitness where I go. Her name is Shannon. I never really talked to her other than to say hi on most meetings. She is very busy and i am super focused while I workout. When I went in after work yesterday, she stopped me. She wanted to tell me that she had seen my progress over the two years that I had been going there. She had no idea how far I had come. She just wanted to let me know that i was doing well. So, this ignited a whole conversation that ended up lasting at least 20 minutes. I showed her a few of my before and after photos and she was amazed. She asked me a lot of questions including why did I decide to take control of my life, what I first did, how heavy I was and now, plus a lot about my nutrition.  

The thing she said that touched me the most was that I was genuine and that she could tell that I was serious with how I could so easily talk about it all. She knew that I knew what I was talking about and she saw that I was in a better place with not focusing on a number but overall composition. I truly felt in the right place at the right time while talking to her. Not many people have that strong of an effect on me but she did, Her father, whom I've also talked to a lot, goes to the gym and is a body builder. He and I speak a lot about the whole aspect of healthy living and our conversations are deep as well. You just have to open up to people when you feel you should. As soon as i said how heavy I knew myself to be(might have been heavier) she wanted to see my progress photos. It gives the person asking questions even more of a perspective as to why someone does what they do. She now knows and understands that I'm working on tightening up the loose skin. I even told her a few of the max weights I do on a few exercises and she was impressed. 

The thing about all of this is that Planet Fitness is where I was always meant to be. I wish I had started there years ago. I've needed the support, the new friends who share the same interest and the ability to relieve stress in a productive way. It is fun for me and a way for me to healthily improve myself as a whole. I know my confidence has improved a lot as well. Once you find where you belong, you'll know. Being accepted and not being judged just helps me to work harder. What motivates you? Answer that and you will be able to do anything you put your mind to.

The Impact of One; The Effect on Many

Several occurrences have led to me writing this blog. I do not  even tend to focus it on myself. I want it to be about others. Twice this month, I've felt I've had spiritual and reality awakenings.  Some things just become beyond clear. Does anyone really pay attention to the world around them? Do you notice the simplistic beauty in the world?  Not many people can say they can. Once you push past your selfishness and your interest in only bettering you self worth, you realize, that their is beauty right in front of you.  I also realized that I would be nowhere in my life without that one person that seemed to appear at the perfect time when things would get right. It was never the same person either and not always people I even knew. It was just a person God sent to me as a messenger without the person even realizing their impact. This is where I shall begin.

When someone is asked, "Who is the one person who has had the biggest influence on you in your life?", most people know right away and single out just one individual. For me, it isn't the case. During my life, I've had several. I will not use names but I do plan on splitting them into the times that they seemed to come into my life.

Educational 

Several students tend to favor a certain teacher that taught them for different reasons. I've had five educators who really made all the difference through the years.  The weirdest part is that all but one were literary art teachers. The other was an art instructor. 

• 8th Grade: One of the years when a child gets the choice of where they want to spend the next four years of their life and where grades really start to matter.  I was never really pushed until my eighth grade teacher realized I needed to be. It wasn't even her teaching style that had her stand out. It was just her as a person. I'm not  even sure if she knew the impact she had over me or that I will never forget her. It was in her class that I realized how much I enjoyed sentence structure and making words work in a way that it was almost like a melody. She was the one who allowed me to experiment with poetry by just letting us get creative with some of our assignments. Thank you. 
• High School: The high school I went to offered either art or chorus as your choices for electives that were counted.  You needed two years of either to graduate.  The funny thing was, I ended up taking four years of art.  I never had the intention of doing so until my mother's passing.  It became another way for me to cope besides my writing.  This woman was definitely differently but knew how to teach. I was a quick learner and picked up easily on what she was teaching the class.  I enjoyed the classes and would look forward to them above all of my other classes. As I progressed to senior year, I even spent more time with her. She liked my opinions on things and even had me put in my two cents when she was grading. Of course she only let me help with a class where I didn't know anyone. Also, her decision on the grade was final. She was there when I was depressed with the loss of my home and my mother and still there when she realized all I was going through. I wanted to be like her when I grew up. She loved art and loved her job. She enjoyed helping each new class that came through her classroom. She even helped me to get into the school of my choice with a scholarship. I'm not sure if she either will ever understand her full impact on me but she won't be forgotten either. God bless you.
• College Life: With all the mess going on in my life, college just made things even more complicated. I met my bf and we are still together happily. The instructors were a different story when it came to a good experience. I met a few that I'd like to forget and sadly a few I am not able to forget.  Two professors truly were there in my hardest times and supported me no matter how crazy my ideas were.  Both are published authors and I took them for two of my needed composition courses. One is a guy that a lot of people can't really learn from because he tends to have a different kind of teaching style.  He likes using real world issues  as subjects while also incorporating random conversations with the class. He like to engage his students and push them to see where they can go. I was one who he didn't even realize was inspired. I hadn't written any poetry pieces in a while until I took his class. His aura had awoken something that had been hidden away inside of me.  Once he understood that I was willing to share what I had written, he even shared it with our class. I send him anything that I write because I truly want his opinions and criticism because he is someone I look up to. He even has agreed to help me out like a mentor and we still keep in touch even to this day.  The other is a lady who also has a different outlook on how she wants her students to learn. She sees repetition and having quizzes as a way to help jog the students' memories to keep what they have  learned, fresh. I also shared my willingness to express myself with her. She also helps critique my work and is supportive of me as well. She even encouraged me to submit one of my poetic pieces to the school's literary magazine. These educators did nothing but their job and yet, they made me feel more like a person than just another number in a seat. You both are amazing human beings.
• Post College: Now, having graduated and working on another degree, I have been more in contact with my past educators and friends. I have had one of my former high school teachers actually give me the best advice that is now helping me to cope even better with the struggles I've been facing lately. Her one suggestion has blown up to a whole new outlook that I have of life for myself. She already knows who she is I'm sure but she needs to know that I am eternally grateful for her. I will never forget her help and I will always credit her with showing me how my words  can be used to help someone else without even realizing it. 

Spiritual 

I am not that spiritual of a person but I do attend mass with my father every Sunday. I see things and feel deeply for others around me. I just do not have a good connection with my own spirituality. I do know one person who truly does. That is my uncle. He has had his fair share of tragedies happen and lost a lot of people in his life time. He stays strong through it all though.  He is a strong Catholic man who is a Eucharistic minister, active member of the Knights of Columbus, involved in several prayer groups and many religious associations. He lives his live just like the rest of us but is spiritually stronger than I think I may ever be. He is an amazing man who has been a huge inspiration to me. I want to be more like him. I am sure a lot of people do. The weird thing is, he is being nothing but himself. That's the beauty that the involvement of God in your life can have.

Family 

There are several people in my family who are strong beyond strong and sometimes people see me as a strong individual but tend to miss what else is right in front of them.

• My Grandmother: She has been through the loss of a child, the near death of another, the loss of her husband and has dealt with her fair share of health problems. Before she lost her husband, she never let anyone see her cry. She would hold it back and cry to me on the phone sometimes. After my mom died, her and I grew really close. I feel for her and see her struggle with losing my grandfather. They used to have their fights but they truly did love each other. Seeing her cry, holding his hand after he passed and then kissing him before the funeral home took him away just touched my whole family. Love is way more than just how a couple acts. It goes much deeper than that. It is unconditional and just pure feeling of needing the other person. My grandmother is the strongest woman I know and I hope to be like her by the time my life gets to where hers is right now. Love you maw maw.
• My Father: I know he hasn't been the same since losing our home to Katrina, losing my mom right after, then the fire that took all that we had left, away. He has only cried three times in front of either my sister or I. He wants to be strong for us but I know he is hurting. He has to be because I know I am.  I watch him suffer each day after working sometimes 10-12 hour days to just make it from day to day. He is the hardest working man that I've ever known. He tries his hardest but just can't catch a break. I feel him and I have a lot in common and I understand his pain but then I don't. He lost his life partner and was left with two teenage girls to raise. That is hard to do without a female character for us to look up to. He has done more than enough for us and I hope he knows that. One day, I hope to be able to take care of him so he can stop worrying so much all the time. Thank you for everything, dad.
• My Mother: Her and I had grown extremely close right before her death. I know I wasn't the best daughter and I regret things that I had done to her that were uncalled for.  I can't change anything now, though. She put everyone before herself and that ultimately led to her death. She didn't care about herself like she could have and I know she fought depression. She was never the same after we lost our house to Katrina. She kept to herself, wouldn't leave the trailer much besides to go get my sister, and only wanted the best for her family just like my father did. No family is perfect and we all had our problems but my mom just lived to make everyone around her happy. I knew the week of her death that something was wrong. I said nothing because I feel she knew to because she was acting different all week. She died young but she affected a lot of people in her life time and left an impression that was nothing but positive. She never wanted to be negative and loved making other people laugh. I looked up to her and I still do. If I grow up to be half the woman she was and as half as loving as my grandmother always has been, I will be one amazing lady. I was raised by parents who only pushed me because they knew I was able. I thank them for that now. Love you, mom, and you will never be forgotten.

With all this being said, today in Mass, I had another awakening of kinds. As the deacon was reading the gospel, I kind of zoned out as I was listening. I was looking around the church at the congregation. One thing stood out a lot to me. There was a single father and his young daughter both reading along in their books. Just watching the little girl want to be there with her father, engaging in the celebration, just was an amazing sight. I sat there thinking, why didn't I see this before. He always brings the little girl and sits in the same spot. I'm not sure, but, I realized that as soon as I let go of thinking of myself or of my self worth, I can see everything and everyone around me. All I see is the beauty of my surroundings. It can be the cloudiest of days and everything looks bright to me. You honestly do not see much unless you are really looking. As the priest starts his homily, I keep looking around the room. All of the couples, the families, the elderly couples, etc. It is just a full out picturesque environment. There truly is nothing like seeing something for the first time and it being so clear......nothing seems too cloudy to me anymore. I am slowly having questions answered and prayers answered but it is coming to me in the form of another person. God always answers prayers but are we always willing to listen? No. Once we open up ourselves to accepting what He has for us, we will truly be happy. Without Him nothing is beautiful. It's just there.

My Daily Struggle

When people see me at the gym, they probably think I'm crazy.  They do not know the meaning behind to why I work out as intensely as I do. Here is to why: 

Now, for most people, they are going to ask how or what did you do, etc....but for me, it is what the affects of losing that much too quickly while doing mostly cardio has done.  

I've been working hard to try and reduce the amount of loose skin I have left on my body with weight lifting and more strength training than cardio.  My measurements haven't changed but I'm pretty sure my composition as a whole has.  People constantly are complimenting me and asking me how much weight I have lost. When I say none since joining the Planet Fitness where I go, they look surprised.  I've lost fat content and gained muscle mass. I've actually gained a little weight. I try to not focus on the scale or measuring because of my mathematical/number type mind.  I'd rather look to pictures to see any progress or how my clothes tend to fit.  The support people give me also helps.  I do know there is fat under the loose skin and it is the hardest type to lose.  I eat the best I can, anything not that healthy in moderation, and drink mostly water.  I workout 6 days a week for at least an hour to two hours at a time.  If I could afford to eat purely clean, I may be tighter or less flabby by now, but, I am working hard to get my body where I want it to be.  My measurements have gone up, in my opinion, from the readjustment that my body is making as the loose skin is being lifted.  I was over 300 pounds from age 13-19..or 6 or so years.  That is a long time for skin to be stretched out of line. I was a heavy child and never was "small". My whole life, all I was to anyone, including myself, was "big". I honestly still feel that way when the thought of what the scale says comes to mind....it shows that I'm obese and could lose 60 plus pounds to be "normal" weight for my age and size. I'm 5'4" or 5'5" and am now 24. From these photos, does it appear that I'm truly even capable of losing even half of that? To me, no.  That is where the scale doesn't understand the total concept of composition or that muscle takes up less space than fat.  I know I need to lose some fat in my mid section and thighs, but that is where I carried most of my weight when I was heavier.  It will be the last and hardest to lose.  People can go ahead and shame me for doing this but my struggle is real. It is my life and it is hard. 

The End Leads To A New Beginning

With graduation approaching, I wasn't excited like most students would be.  I had only applied to one college, one scholarship, and actually got accepted.  I had changed my mind several times on what I thought I should do with my life.  What I hadn't realized was that this new chapter at a new school would only be the beginning of an even longer, harder journey for me.  I didn't have my mother present at my graduation, I still was single with no guy taking an interest in me, and very few friends to even talk to once we went our separate ways.

I thought that everything was ready to go with my new college and my new life experiences awaiting.  I was wrong in that sense as well.  Each student needs proof of vaccinations before they are allowed to attend any school.  With Katrina and all the occurrences around it, the Ochsner Medical  center had lost any files available before August 2005, meaning, I needed blood work done to show if i had the needed vaccinations or not.  Come to find out, I was missing a few but that wasn't the only bad news.  They had found a problem with my blood and ordered more tests to be done.  This one minor fluctuation led to me making a drastic change by my own decision.

Moving Campus

While dealing with the change of losing my home and a parent, I received news along with everyone else in my school that it was closing down and we were moving to a rival school's campus.  None of us were happy but we are all given the choice of transferring without any extra charges or staying with the same school but just transferring to the other school's location. I already didn't fit in and now I was totally uprooting the little I knew of as a norm. It was farther from my home and it was full of girls I didn't even know. I was uncomfortable but made do. The teachers were great and helped us all adjust pretty well.

So, for someone going through what I have, this added more worry to my plate. I had several issues with the way I viewed my body and being around even more teenage girls didn't help much. It's not that they teased me or did anything wrong. I was just that self conscious. I never had a thought about changing my eating habits it exercising besides gym class. I sat alone at lunch or ate with a teacher. That was what I did and I was content but lonely. I didn't have my mom to pick me up or to talk to after a hard day. It was just me, myself and I. I had tried talking to family but they just completely blew me off. I even had one family member blab to another about something I told them in confidence. That's life, I guess.

Well, once sophomore year ended, it was time for junior ring. I had to be fitted for my junior ring....an embarrassing thought for my heavy self. All the other girls we're getting from 4s to 6s and mine came out to be a 9. It was hard to hear but it was my weight causing the sizing. I then overheard someone in my class making jokes about girls with size 9 or larger rings...saying they should lay off the cookies..it hurt. I was living a life I dreaded and right after my mom passed away, I used my artwork and writing as a way to express my feelings. I had nowhere else to turn so I used my time to better myself. It proved to me that I had true talent and it was a God given talent. I just had to work on myself, and that will be a continuous work in progress.